"L, do you know, Death Gods only eat apples?"

The undescribable feeling of going nowhere. The endless endless endless... My God, the endless?

If you don't know I hate fruit you don't know the first thing about me. Not because of the biblical sense but because I do. It defines me... in a way. And still, it says nothing about me. A fruit by any other name would still be as... as it is to me.

The worst thing about being like this, like this huge humungus pile of flesh that I am is that it is only I that suffer from the consequences of my being like this. Because it's only I that know the truth about me, about the essential me. Sometimes it's like being trapped under water. I shout and those who are under the water with me can hear me shout but never what it is that I am shouting.

Now you may think, ah, teenage angst! No. Been there, done that. The cruel part is that adolescence never ends. The insecurity, the constant wondering about worth, about value and self-consciousness - it never ends. What adults have learned are to suppress the emotions and hormons good enough to last a lifetime. Still any type of trauma can rip open the seams we so carefully sow, in a way, to preserve, but mostly to keep the teenager from getting out into the open. It takes one word, on sorrowful reminder, and then you are in childhood home again, in your childhood room, growing out of it, pushing the walls around you, knowing that they are too tight. Knowing, with melancholy, that you have to leave this place.

It is the tale of the womb.
We all remember a dark place that was before we were. That is why sleep lullys us to rest with it's false promises of eternity as it was in a backward way before we were born. It is easier to think of it this way, as an eternity already passed, rather than as an eternity about to happen, when we die. I think it is within our being to long for a state that has been, since this is where our safety is, in the knowledge of what has happened. This is a fact to us, to oftenly declared a truth. But this is how we see the world. How else could we?