I have been sick for nearly a week. Swine-flew comes to mind and it is a frightening thought, I dare say. Although, all symptoms can be any other concern as well, as it turns out, greater things truly are to come.
There are points in your life when all come to an edge. Either this, or that. Decide. All things are opposed and the true colours reveal themselves. Call it fate if you will, these occurences that make you re-evaluate your life and priorities. The fears you thought you had are replaced by more massive ones and your childhood nightmares are crushed by their magnitude. I am still not sure if I am living my dream.
Choices. My heart tells me one, my mind another, and my body a third. I am scared of the future, cause it is so far blank. The abscence of everything concrete scares me. So does the existence without the abstract. I need to create my own dream, in order to live it. Not rely on half-thought-through-decisions and maybes. My dream will not trip on me, nor I on it. It won't exist if I don't create it, it won't exist if I don't create.
I need to not forget what I am, and what that entails. What I want from life can so easily be stolen, what I dream can so easily be forgotten. I must not forget who I used to be.
11/12/2009
11/03/2009
"If loving you's a dream, that's not worth having, then why do I dream of you?"
I have been wasting my life, for so many years. It seems.
But I don't look at it as wasted time, I look at is as experiences that are unique and they've built up the me that I am today. Anyone would say I haven't accomplished much, by some mystical standards that nobody put up, yet everyone follows.
I haven't gotten a degree, I haven't traveled, I have no children, I don't even have a permanent job. Everything so far that I have tried on, I have done halfways.
But then I think, I am young still. I am 25yo, I just got married. I have finished a book that I was writing on for 8years. I've been a vegetarian for 9years, I am surrounded by friends and family. I have succeeded at life! In its purest form, cause I have, so far, done whatever I wanted. I have lived the life that small children dream of having when they grow up. I have stayed up late, eating in my bed, having candy for breakfest and told off anyone who didn't like what I was doing and stood up for what I knew in my heart was right. I am not ashamed of the years I've spent sleeping 12 hours a day. Those are the years that I needed to find myself, what I want to do and with whom. Still I can not be sure, and sometimes I curse myself for bad choices and the everyday life that eventually comes. But I regret nothing. Sometimes, I do feel ashamed for myself. Sometimes I do feel "like a dream that's not worth having." And those are the times my mind goes haywire and I don't know at all what is right and wrong and I want to do the craziest things. Mostly, cause I get trapped. And maybe, because I am scared. Cause I got a good thing going now, and most good things in the past I have destroyed.
But I don't look at it as wasted time, I look at is as experiences that are unique and they've built up the me that I am today. Anyone would say I haven't accomplished much, by some mystical standards that nobody put up, yet everyone follows.
I haven't gotten a degree, I haven't traveled, I have no children, I don't even have a permanent job. Everything so far that I have tried on, I have done halfways.
But then I think, I am young still. I am 25yo, I just got married. I have finished a book that I was writing on for 8years. I've been a vegetarian for 9years, I am surrounded by friends and family. I have succeeded at life! In its purest form, cause I have, so far, done whatever I wanted. I have lived the life that small children dream of having when they grow up. I have stayed up late, eating in my bed, having candy for breakfest and told off anyone who didn't like what I was doing and stood up for what I knew in my heart was right. I am not ashamed of the years I've spent sleeping 12 hours a day. Those are the years that I needed to find myself, what I want to do and with whom. Still I can not be sure, and sometimes I curse myself for bad choices and the everyday life that eventually comes. But I regret nothing. Sometimes, I do feel ashamed for myself. Sometimes I do feel "like a dream that's not worth having." And those are the times my mind goes haywire and I don't know at all what is right and wrong and I want to do the craziest things. Mostly, cause I get trapped. And maybe, because I am scared. Cause I got a good thing going now, and most good things in the past I have destroyed.
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